Sunday, November 5, 2006

Today is my half birthday. This morning I woke up at like 8:45 and found that everyone was planning on going to Choir at 9. Well, luckily I’d taken a shower the night before, so I just got ready really fast and was able to go with them because they were running a little late. I don’t really want to be a part of choir, but I guess I don’t really have a choice, so I’ll just make the best of it. It was kind of entertaining too, because Hackett was the only guy, so when it was the men only verse he did a solo. Also, I realized that it’s oh so difficult to sing well when you can’t hear out of your ear because A.) you can’t hear yourself to see if your pitch is right and if you’re singing loud enough and B.) you can’t hear anyone else to gauge it by them. Conducting wasn’t so easy either. Fast and testimony meeting was pretty good because I understood a lot of it. I always feel really guilty for not bearing my testimony and I want to because I feel like I have a lot to say, but I have a hard enough time getting across what I mean to say when I do it in English and I can’t even do that because then I feel guilty for not doing it in Romanian. Anyway, I know I need to just do it anyway and it’s a weakness of mine that I need to improve on and so I am determined to do it next fast and testimony meeting whether I’m prepared or not; especially since it’ll be my last one! Sad! Ok, so we’ve already been here for more than half the total time and I’m starting to think more and more and how little time we have left even though it feels like we just got here. I can tell already that I’m going to be soooo sad when I leave. I really don’t know how I’m going to be able to handle it. I mean, chances are I won’t see these people ever again. How do you do that? It’s not like Provo, where you leave and come back a few months later. I don’t think I’ve really ever had to deal with not ever seeing someone I love again or not ever going somewhere I love again. Like, my Grandpa died and I loved him and don’t get to see him til I die, but it wasn’t all that hard, because he gradually got sick and gradually became less and less like himself and so it was like I was able to ease out of having him. I just keep thinking about how I’ve become so comfortable here and it’s become a part of me and all of a sudden I’m just going to have to pick up and leave and probably never come back. I’ll never know what happens to my kids and I’ll probably forget what they were like and that just kills me. I don’t even know where to begin to come to terms with it and I feel the need to have this dual life where I can be a part of life here while still being a part of life in the states, but that desire is impossible. My only consolation right now is the hope that when I die I will be able to remember all and be able to see these people again and have joy it that. Ok, so coming back from the tangent, during sacrament meeting I would write in my notebook during testimonies that I couldn’t understand and I was looking at my list of Romanian names and decided this. When I have kids I want to give all of my children Romanian middle names. If I can convince my husband to give them Romanian first names I will, but I’m happy with just the middle names too. And in a world where I have all the power, I’d like to have 5 kids. The first would be a boy with the middle name of Petrica, after Petrica at Dancu. The second would be a girl with the middle name of Iulia after both Iulia at the hospital and Iuliana at Dancu. The third would be Mihai after the Mihai’s at Dancu, Dacie and the hospital and after the poet Mihai Eminescu. The fourth would have the middle name of Petru after Alin at the hospital who I always thought of as Petru and just because I like the name. The fifth would be a girl with the middle name of Catalina after both Catalin and Catalina at the Dacie apts and after Catalin in the branch. Anyway, after Sacrament meeting was Sunday school, which was good, but which was really hard to sit through and pay attention to. Then Relief Society was really good because all the sisters talked about their conversion stories and it was so good to hear about and really interesting. After church, I was in charge of making sloppy joes, but they were a little off, because I had to change some of the ingredients and also because I put too much chili pepper in. Before everyone came over for dinner, Holly came over for a Scala meeting where we talked about internet time and blocked it all out so that everyone is just assigned certain hours for each computer. I hope it’ll be a good thing. I have hope that it will be. Dinner went well and the meeting was good. We talked a lot about our schedule for the next few weeks and I realized how close the end is and that we’re getting our closure assignment in like 2 weeks. I don’t like it! Also, the professors are coming in like a week, we may take a trip to Bacau and we might go to Brasov. I’m so conflicted because I love the trips, but I cringe at taking any more time away from being at the orphanage and hospital. Partly because I’m worried about hours, but mostly because I really just worry about the kids and not being able to spend enough time with them. I wonder what kids are at the hospital. I cannot wait to go back tomorrow. It’s funny, because on one hand, I am so afraid of leaving here and I can tell that it’ll create this huge hole in my heart and I’ll be so emotional about it and it will deeply affect me. But on the other hand, there are things about going home that I am excited for too. Like, I will be so excited to eat the food that I’ve missed and just to be in the familiar culture and speak English with everyone. I’ve missed the Provo lifestyle and the classes and the resources and all that normalcy. But when I talk about California and Utah being normal, it’s funny because now Romania is normal too. Like, when we came back from Budapest to Romania I felt like I was going home where things are familiar. Sad day. K, so after the meeting, Brother and Sora Wright came over to home teach us. It was good and I love them to death, but there were soooo many awkward silences. After they left I had a big scare because my entire Romania folder had disappeared. I was really worried for a while and asked the girls about it and eventually Megan found it in my My Music folder. I have nooo idea why it was there and am kind of wondering, but I’m just glad it’s back. Also, since I’ve been writing this journal, all of us Scala girls have had quite a fun time bonding. We’ve been reminiscing and laughing our heads off. Aaaaah Romania.